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Rodney Dangerfield joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave him three-to-one he wouldn't make it.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the lottery!'
Martha replies, 'Should I pack for warm weather or cold?'
The man responds, 'I don't care. Just get out!'
A blonde is in Vegas vacationing with her friends. She walks to a candy machine and puts in two coins. She turns the knob and a candy bar falls out.
She picks up the candy bar and puts it in her pocket. Then she puts two more coins into the slot and turns the knob; again a candy bar falls out and she puts it in her pocket.
The blonde smiles, puts two more coins into the machine and again turns the knob, producing yet another candy bar.
A man has been watching from a short distance away and walks up to the blonde. He says, `Excuse me, miss, what are you doing?`
The blonde replies, 'Duh! I'm winning here!'
A Trip to Las Vegas
A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 to do what I do for you for free!" The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed. "I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1000 a year!"
A man was quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he says. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it", she replies. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on", he explains. She looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he says, "What the hell was that for?" "Your horse phoned."